Why Modern Moms are Raising Victims (And How to Stop)

Parenting 2023-09-01

Inside: How modern moms are raising our kids into victim mentalities without plane knowing it. We all want to raise children who turn into responsible and capable adults, but sometimes we inadvertently make the insecure.

We sat on the bed side by side without a harrowing morning.

And that without a harrowing week.

My newly minted 5-year-old girl and myself, having a frank talk. It was a quiet, calm, and kind conversation. I wasn’t Flipping My Lid or stuff an wrestling mama.

We were having this talk considering I needed to know why she’d started vicarial like an Wrestling Alien Child. My normally compliant, helpful, and positive unexceptionable spark had started vicarial aggressive, angry, and bossy.

But not the “Cute… she’s gonna be a leader” bossy. The “Do what I say or I’ll hit you” type of bossy.

It was not good and I wanted it to stop.

mom smiling at her daughter

I said, “Honey, why have you been vicarial so out of weft and wild lately?” She looked at me seriously and in an hostage voice said…

“I know… I sometimes do things I shouldn’t do and don’t do the things I want to do. Then I don’t know how to stop.”

I was struck by her 5-year-old self-awareness.

She didn’t deny her behavior… She didn’t pretend she had been vicarial like an angel. She just gave me an honest answer.

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In fact, she’d basically quoted me Scripture.

I told her, “I understand, baby. I don’t unchangingly act how I want to either. Still, there are some things we just can’t do.”

“I know, mom,” she said, “I’m going to try to make largest choices and remember to ask God to help me do what I’m supposed to do.”

My heart was so proud of her I could have burst. She was real. I was real.

little boy

We were honest. And through it all, neither of us condoned negative policies nor heaped vituperation on one another.

It was never increasingly well-spoken to me in that moment that my daughter takes responsibility for her actions.

She does not play the victim.

A Victim Mentality Says:

  • They made me finger this way. (i.e. giving tenancy of your feelings to others)
  • He needs to repent surpassing I can move on. (i.e. giving tenancy of your mental and emotional health to others)
  • I couldn’t help it. (i.e. giving your self-control away)
  • It’s not my fault. (i.e. giving your responsibility away)
Note: I’m not talking well-nigh children who are very victims of abuse, neglect, or harm but well-nigh the mentality and mindset of a victim in the sense that life in unstipulated (not in one particular situation) is out of their control.
little boy sitting at the dinner table and smiling
50 Life Skills (By Age!)

Check off hair-trigger household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!

How we Unintentionally Raise Kids with “Victim Mentalities”

Again, this would not be the result of one or two occasions, but a resulting style of parenting.

The reason this is so important to me is that for a long time I felt a lot of stress considering I blamed others instead of just focusing on what I could control.

Since I’ve realized that was victim thinking, I’ve worked nonflexible to get out of that. It’s made me MUCH happier, increasingly responsible, and less stressed.

depressed mom hugging her two kids

1. We interrupt the law of sowing and reaping

➡ A victim thinks they aren’t in tenancy of the direction of their life.

This is a vital law of nature. You reap what you sow. Oh, yes, fine, there are other factors like whether it rained or whether the soil was fertile, but you get the gist.

  • If you don’t eat, you’re hungry.
  • If you don’t work, you don’t get a paycheck.
  • If you hit or slap or kick other kids, you won’t have many friends.
  • If you don’t go grocery shopping or plant your own food, there’s nothing to eat.

Simplistic yet important.

If we interrupt this process or struggle to minimize the effects of our kids’ policies they do not learn that one reaps what one sows. And if they don’t learn this lesson, they’ll never learn to sow what is good, right, and responsible.

Read: Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World

young girl with a hat smiling over her shoulder

2. We interrupt rationalization and effect

➡ A victim doesn’t connect whoopee A with reaction B.

This is a learning curve for our kids.

They are not born knowing that touching an oven can shrivel their tiny fingers or that walking onto a road can rationalization them harm.

This is our job to teach them and we take it seriously.

But, as they age, we often minimize the effects of their deportment to prevent frustration or disappointment. We want to avoid meltdowns or hurt feelings.

  • They don’t do their homework or score low on a test… and we want to intervene so they still get a good grade.
  • They don’t do their chores, but we don’t want them to miss out on their allowance… so we requite it to them anyway plane though this is versus our family rules.
  • They tell tall tales, are dishonest, or don’t tell the truth… and we protract to believe what they say plane though this gives a mixed message well-nigh what trust is.
  • They knowingly put off their school assignments… and we stay up all night with them to help them salvage the project.

With kindness and love, we must indulge them to wits both the positive and negative effects of their actions.

It’s the only way they learn their deportment really matter.

50 Life Skills (By Age!)

Check off hair-trigger household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!

mom laughing with her daughter

3. We withhold from proper training and undeniability it grace

➡ A victim feels life should be unconfined or they’re stuff treated unfairly.

What a manna that we receive grace both from God and others.

Without it, we’d be lost.

However, withal with grace comes discipline. The Bible says God disciplines those He loves and as parents we are no different.

All love and no boundaries raises children who don’t follow any rules and expect you to be okay with it.

If we continually move the boundaries around, step in to prevent our children from stuff angry, and don’t let them learn from their mistakes, we’ll raise kids who expect others to wipe up their messes.

Read: What Happens When You Let Your Kids Wrench The House Rules

little boy sitting on the stairs with a sad squint o face

4. We create a false world in our homes and try to enforce it elsewhere

➡ A victim expects others to treat them as they are accustomed.

If we wrench over backwards to requite our children their every whim, switch the cups to the right color, cut every sandwich into perfectly equal squares, or do the things for them they can do for themselves, they’ll have a nonflexible time in life.

  • They will expect others to go out of their way to make life easy for them.
  • They will not be worldly-wise to cope when someone doesn’t walk on eggshells virtually them to help prevent them from feeling disappointed.
  • They will finger unloved if others don’t requite them their way because, often, victims think that stuff loved = getting what they want.

They just won’t know how to cope in a world that doesn’t wrench to their will and, inevitably, they’ll finger they’re stuff treated unfairly.


They will requite yonder tenancy of their own happiness to others.

daughter hugging her mom

We can spoil our children with love, time, and sustentation without raising entitled kids who think everyone else must retread to their wishes.

It isn’t easy to see our kids uncomfortable.

It isn’t unchangingly fun to “be the bad guy” and alimony boundaries.

Yet, truly, it is rewarding to see our kids make good decisions considering they know it matters.

Frequently Asked Questions

Are there age-appropriate ways to explain the concept of a victim mentality to younger children?

I don’t think that young kids necessarily need to know the term “victim mentality” but there are principles we can teach to shape their minds so that they don’t think of themselves as victims. For example, taking ownership of their deportment and the consequences, practicing self-control, and practicing forgiveness when others’ behaviors don’t change.

What’s the role of self-esteem in preventing a victim mindset, and how can I nurture healthy self-esteem in my child?

Healthy self-esteem plays a significant role in preventing a victim mindset in children. When children have a positive self-image and a strong sense of self-worth, they are increasingly likely to squatter challenges with conviction and resilience rather than raising a victim mentality.

If my child is once exhibiting signs of a victim mentality, how can I help them shift their perspective and develop a increasingly positive mindset?

Don’t step in to interrupt the law of sowing and reaping or rationalization and effect by letting them make their own decisions (when appropriate) and squatter the consequences of those decisions. Stand firm in your boundaries and don’t unchangingly requite them what they want, which creates a false sense of reality.

50 Life Skills (By Age!)

Check off hair-trigger household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!


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