I often hear parents asking this question: “What is Unfluctuating Parenting really?”
Is it gentle? Kind? Respectful? Conscious?
The short wordplay is that it is all of those and still something more.
In this post I'll share my experiences of using Hand in Hand Parenting’s unfluctuating parenting tideway – sometimes referred to as parenting by connection.
I'll include where it got hard, and why, and what made the difference for me, so that I could protract using the tideway well in my family with five children, as well as why I love his way of parenting so much.
Looking vastitude mainstream parenting tips and advice
Many of us start looking for parenting support when we hit a roadblock. A challenging policies we can’t seem to solve vacated or when usual parenting tactics don’t work.
By the time the policies starts to disturb or upset other family members, or really seem to be holding a child back, our searches get increasingly determined.
We scroll Google, Instagram, or Facebook groups in the hope that somebody will requite us that one piece of translating or parenting hack that will work like dressing on a bad wound.
And, since usual timeouts, consequences, harsh words don’t finger good, and don’t really work, parenting approaches that come from a kinder standpoint finger like the healing unruffle we need.
This is how it worked for me too.
I searched for positive parenting tips, gentle parenting tips, conscious parenting and respectful parenting advice.
And I liked what I found. Ideas like these:
- Taking a big breath surpassing answering my misbehaving kid
- Having increasingly Special time with each child
- Encouraging instead of praising
- Avoiding punishment and reward systems.
- Setting loving limits
- Playful parenting, and responding playfully
I was excited and hopeful. They shed some light on my children’s increasingly challenging policies and gave me some idea of how to work with them.
I saw I could turn virtually policies sometimes with just a new turn or phrase or considering of a new piece of understanding.
These approaches all hold that a child is good. And that harsh words or punishment is not necessary for bringing up kind, happy children.
It felt like something wasn't working…
But I soon felt I was lacking something.
Despite all my efforts, my exasperation towards my children was unquestionably increasing.
There were still too many tantrums, equal to my standards.
And it felt like they were constantly misbehaving, plane while I was trying to do everything to alimony them happy and enthusiastic.
Why I got to thinking “Do these parenting tips really work?”
I soon reached a point where I got resentful, thinking, “These tips just do not work!”
I felt like I had some pieces of the jigsaw, but I couldn’t icon out exactly what other pieces I was missing.
And I didn’t want to slip when into timeouts or punishments.
That’s why I started to squint deeper.
Starting my connection-based parenting journey
I will never forget my excitement when I finished reading Listen, the typesetting by Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore, and I said to my husband: “Why has nobody told me surpassing how things work with children?”
The typesetting explained how a dispersal in policies is to do with a dispersal in connection, and how this feels for children.
And the listening tools I could use to increase connection felt so well-spoken and wieldy that I felt an overwhelming urge to requite it a go in my family.
I started by getting single-minded to regular Special Time. Soon it became part of our weekly routine, gradually fitting into our rented schedule.
During these Special Times, I could finger I was just the mum I wanted to be, with my sustentation 100% devoted to them, their unexceptionable ideas, and their very own personalities. We all enjoyed it.
And finally, I could do many increasingly of the things that my kids asked me to do, and that surpassing we hadn’t previously had time for.
My 9-year-old son had received a little wooden plane model to build as a birthday present, and he decided that his Special Times would be devoted to towers it with me. Although he had asked me to build it with him a few times already, I had unchangingly responded that I could not find time for it. But having single-minded to offering him Special Time regularly shifted my reply: I finally took the time to sit lanugo with him and just build it, week without week, during his Special Time slot.
I loved these moments together. Finally I had time to be well-pleased of the thought, devotion and cleverness he brought to this task.
And it had an overflow effect. I found I had increasingly compassion when he was struggling with his homework, for instance. Also, to my astonishment, he started to hang virtually me increasingly often when I was preparing dinner or getting ready to go somewhere, and this felt so good.
I felt encouraged, and began using increasingly of the Hand in Hand tools regularly.
What setting loving and playful limits shifted for my children and myself
Learning how to set loving limits was moreover a game-changer for me. Although setting limits had never been nonflexible for me, I had set them with the intention of executive my child’s behavior. I hadn’t realised at all what the policies meant and how limits set like this unliable my children release their emotions so that the policies would change.
I loved this idea, and my objective shifted from correcting to connecting, either by staying tropical as they cried, or lightening things up with a playful response. In fact, I’ll never forget the first time I experimented setting playful limits, with my boys:
The winter holiday season had started a few days earlier, and my 7-year-old had begun was bored and disconnected. We had organised a few playdates with schoolmates, but these did not fill his cup.
We had decorated the house with all the usual Christmas ornaments and decorations and his little 4-year-old brother had rediscovered a minion Santa hat and was wearing it non-stop day and night.
As my 7-year-old complained well-nigh the long, ”boring” afternoon superiority of him, he saw his little brother cheerfully reading on the sofa with his Santa hat on.
My 7-year-old grabbed it and started running with the hat on his head, with a nasty grin on his face. His little brother jumped up and started chasing him, screaming and crying.
I decided to ventilator my 7-year-old too. And as I grabbed his hat with a smile on my squatter and ran from him, he was surprised.
But he understood that a ”chasing-mummy” game was kicking off and started to ventilator me happily, his small brother joining in the ventilator overdue him.
After a few giggles, I slowed and laid lanugo on the carpet. My older son was content now, and smiling, and the Santa hat made it when to its owner's head.
I don’t mind saying that I was pretty satisfied with myself right then, but what made me happier still was how things unfolded later. My 7-year-old picked up the Santa hat from the floor later, put it on his throne and ran outside. His small brother noticed 10 minutes later and started shouting.
I unquestionably didn’t not know what to do next but I tabbed him, using a normal tone, no exasperation or threat, and I didn’t mention why. He arrived, looked at me with a quiet face, and noticed his little brother, who once had tears in his eyes.
Without a word, gave him when his Santa hat and ran when outdoors, when to his play. I was amazed. I heard a small “Thank you” coming from his little brother, and I made a mental note to try this tool the next time two kids were fighting for the same toy!
When connection-based tools for children are helpful… but don't seem to be enough
So, all seemed to be going well. Special Time gave me time to tune into my kids, and requite them increasingly of the sustentation they craved.
As I set limits now, there was time for laughter and crying and I knew I didn’t really have to say or do much except be there.
Because I was now putting connection first, whilom control, or correction, increasingly regularly, our connection felt stronger.
But it moreover felt hard.
Soon, I felt empty. I understood all the theories overdue what I was doing. How I was making space for my children’s feelings. Supporting their emotional development. That I was connecting with them deeply.
But in practice?
I was exhausted.
Playlistening took time and energy I didn’t have. Setting limits and Staylistening a level of sustentation and attunement that felt draining.
I knew that transpiration required practice. I was willing to take small steps. But I was out of gas. Plane thinking well-nigh planning Special Time felt too much effort.
That’s when I returned to the typesetting Listen and read it a second time. Only this time I focused on the one tool I had set whispered the first time considering it wasn’t directly related to my children.
This was the Listening Partnerships tool.
A tool I resisted to a practice I fully embraced
Of course, I understood the thinking virtually Listening Partnerships. Still, in my mind, I had the feeling that I once had an towardly support network virtually me, between my husband, my sisters, and a few tropical friends. For that reason, I hadn’t given it increasingly thought.
Plus, I was hesitant.
Listening Partnerships aren’t really a part of other parenting approaches. It felt unfamiliar, and if I'm honest, the practice sounded a bit too intrusive for me.
And yet. Here I was, stuck.
With an offer of a way out.
I trusted the other tools. And I wanted to alimony using them. So I finally dived in.
Listening Partnerships are increasingly than a unstudied debrief you have with your partner at the end of the day, or on a weekly undeniability with friends.
They are opportunities when you can talk with an unshut heart without fear of getting judged and that really don’t show up often in our usual daily lives.
It took quite a few attempts to speak freely well-nigh my emotions and let other mums see my struggles, doubts, and fragilities.
But as soon as I did unshut up well-nigh how nonflexible unfluctuating parenting felt things began to change.
This was the biggest revelation I had well-nigh parenting by connection
And one day, I had this revelation: giving my children this time and sustentation was so much easier when someone gave me the same.
This was the missing jigsaw piece I had been searching for.
That’s the thing that makes connection-based parenting so variegated from so many other approaches.
This tool helps parents tap into their self-compassion, and makes space for them to offload too.
Suddenly things felt complete. I saw now how the tools overlapped.
When I felt heard, I could listen well to my children. I had patience and play came easier.
When things got hard, I could go to my listening partnership and icon out why.
And without I'd let off steam, I could go when and be the compassionate, understanding mum I wanted to be again.
Hand in Hand’s parenting ways you are all taken superintendency of. And that was the biggest surprise I had well-nigh unfluctuating parenting.
It’s funny, considering I went into this tideway looking for quick tips and hacks to help me handle my children’s behavior.
What could I do to stop them crying? Or fighting? Or struggling with homework.
And what I've ended up with is a lot less strategies. Instead I have a framework to use then and again.
It helps me understand why my children’s policies gets tricky, and then I segregate which of the four tools will help me most in that moment.
And I have a way to fill my cup too.
I don’t need to fix anything, or offer suggestions. I can listen. I can empathise. I can connect. And I can receive that too.
It’s not that days don’t get hard. They do.
It’s not like I have kids who never squabble or who cooperate happily all of the time. I don’t.
What I have now by using these unfluctuating parenting tools is a way to navigate these times that finger open, connecting and supportive for us all.
That has what has felt so transforming.
If you are new to unfluctuating parenting, or have been using a few of the tools for a while, and you finger like things are getting hard, I wonder if you are like me.
Have you tried Listening Partnerships?
They really were the final piece in the puzzle for me and made all the difference.
If you haven’t yet, requite Listening Partnerships a try.
Leave guilt, frustration, and short temper behind
We'll show you exactly how to create a listening partnership so you can wilt the patient, unfluctuating and confident parent you know you can be.
The post What Makes Connection-Based Parenting Variegated From Other Parenting Approaches appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.
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